i am a child

No one else is up…fuck I’m bored. And I heard myself think, ‘Might as well do that Calc shit, nothing better to do.’ I thought of Calc before sleep or kol…damn.

Dear Miami, you’re the first to go Disappearing under melting snow Each and everyone, turn your critical eye From the burning sun and try not to cry

What do I live for When there’s nothing left to live for? When there’s no one left to live for What do I do? I just drink. What do I drink to When there’s nothing left to drink to? When there’s nothing left to drink What do I do? I just sleep.

I will spend the day washing away All memories of youth Spend the day locking away My memory of you My memory of you

What do I sleep for When my dreams don’t bring me closer to you? My dreams don’t bring me closer And I’m just getting older Why ever should I sleep? Why ever should I drink? I’m without you.

I will spend the day washing away All memories of youth Spend the day locking away My memory of you. Tainted memories of you Do haunt me through and through. I’m without you.

I still see the words you said Hear the look upon your face You cut me to the quick And hung me out to dry All those cliched days and weeks and months ago, But it seems like it was close.

I will spend the day washing away All memories of youth Spend the day locking away My memory of you I will spend the day washing away All memories of youth Spend the day locking away My memory of you. Tainted memories of you Do haunt me through and through. I’m without you.

They say the one you love Is your better half. The half you love Is better than the one you have. I’m the worst half. The grass is always greener, And the gas is always cheaper, So why bother keeping up with them? They’re not my friends. I have none.

I will spend the day washing away All memories of youth Spend the day locking away My memory of you. My faded memory of you.

My life is getting shorter And I’m just geting closer To locking myself away If I could only find the key I’d throw it down a well Live in a room with yellow paper See the shifting shapes get bigger Let my mind just slip away There is nothing better than the truth I’m without you. I’m without you. I’m without you.

I feel history repeating itself backwards. Not seeing him for a week reminds me of what happens when you don’t see someone and one/both of you have pointless selfless streaks that do no good. I’m so afraid of fucking this poor boy up the same way it happened to me I don’t want anything to happen to him. But the more time I spend, the more I realize how this is not what I want. He’s a brother, a son, a cousin. I love him the way I love my pet cat. Condescending thoughts and patient humoring. What to do, what to do? At least now the loneliness of life is subdued. But I can tell this is so much paler than past ‘loves.’ Well, I know reasonably well what I will do. I will keep quiet regarding all other parties involved. I will keep lying. I will pretend to stay interested. I will pretend not to have a depressed swing or emotional issues. I will stay cowardly. I will not face people truthfully. It’s not as if I’m used to being completely honest. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind, etc etc, right? Isn’t that what I’m supposed to believe. I’m sure it is. It’s also an unhelpful load of shit. Those who I want to matter don’t, and those who mind do. Something, eh, I suppose it won’t be important eventually. It all fades etc.

Fuck, I’m tired.

Btw, this is fucking boring. I don’t care about this and it doesn’t interest me. I’m beginning to see that it wouldn’t have worked anyway.

Do you know how fucking hard it is to talk to you? I can never be right. You always know better. You had a more interesting experience or a worse problem. You know every fucking thing. And anything you don’t know is irrelevant. Or dumb. Fuck, I hate how much I dread talking to you now. I wish I could go back or something.

It has been a while… I have an iPhone now. Got it yesterday, haven’t paid attention to much else since. Almost feel sorry for Ben about that, almost.

bolsheviks:

booktumbling:

let’s

This is a carefully-constructed sandcastle, big enough to live in! It’s got sand parapets, crenelated sand-walls, a sand drawbridge, and sand murder holes, for all of your sand murdering needs.